I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.