Riiiiiight thanks Github
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
monkeyuser knows it do be like that.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Quick, how many Newtons do you weigh?
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
My former science teacher posted this
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Circular Linked List
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
Launching a project after working on it for almost an year.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
How to get fired 101
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Shared by a wild boomer on Facebook, what is even going on in this picture??
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
Posted by my grandpa on Facebook. All majors other than STEM are useless!!
And the song’s name would be Hello World…
I can’t hold it for much longer
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Typical iPhone pun
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Better dead than red!
So awkward I even feel embarrassed
When you only use Python from time to time
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
stop harassing the dear leader
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
It’s a little funny
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
Not a meme
Gravity sucks ASS (I am stealer dw)
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
Oh its such a glorious feeling
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
My grandma’s Facebook timeline is riddled with stuff like this 😂
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
Its a collaboration thing
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
High high knowledge meme..maybe normie, but so is inorganic
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind…..but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
They’ll never stop supporting Trump
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
Make America Vibrate Again
Oldie but goodie
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Hope people get it
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
Thanks Modi Ji. OC.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What the Arsonist Investigates….
I uhh… what? NSFW.
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
Thought this belongs here..
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
The unsang heroes
“Shrimps. I forgot to buy shrimps.”