rip
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
I have a scary joke about math…
…but I am 22 to say it
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
What’s the most remarkable invention of the last 100 years?
Dry erase board.
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.