RIP Earth
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.
I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
