RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Where does the know-it-all get their water?
From the well, actually.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister