Roasted 😂 😂
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”