Rob
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
