Robert Pattinson and his stalker
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
Whatâs the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
By the way, this meme was created by a person who doesnât know physics very well.
By the way, this meme was created by a person who doesnât know physics very well.
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
âOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?â
Cop: itâs a …..moving violation.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
My Polish classmates to me whenever we have an English exam
My Polish classmates to me whenever we have an English exam
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Whatâs the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that sheâs given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmyâs dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. Thatâs when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks âDid….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!â Timmyâs dad replies âAhh shit, you see right through me. I guess Iâm just….transparentâ
