robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery
robin: whats a tery?
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
cats 😀 scat 😔
cats 😀 scat 😔
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers…
The outside.
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. ..
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If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."