#rofl #lmao #memes
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
Long Joke
Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair. Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go. So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go. Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair. Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way. Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?” Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.