ROFL LMFAO XDDDDD CANT STOP LAUGHING
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp…
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.