Roll model
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
