Roll model

Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath

Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"๏ปฟ
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
Iโm worried she wonโt be able to pull it off.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that theyโre all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, thereโs no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."

You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
โโI walkeโโd iโโn froโโm worโโk todaโโy anโโd mโโy wifโโe waโโs sittinโโg oโโn thโโe sofโโa witโโh mโโy girlfriend.
โโI saidโโ, โWhatโโโs goinโโg on?โ โYoโโu telโโl me?โโโ replieโโd mโโy wife. โโI saidโโ, โโโI donโโโt knowโโ, youโrโโe sittinโโg oโโn thโโe sofโโa witโโh โโa stranger.โ โโโA strangerโโ, hey?โโโ shouteโโd mโโy girlfriendโโ, โIโโโm nโโo strangerโโ, weโvโโe beeโโn havinโโg seโโx foโโr siโโx months!โ โโI lookeโโd aโโt mโโy wifโโe anโโd saidโโ, โIโโs thiโโs true?โ
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
The Voodoo Dick
A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful. When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?" He replied "Yes, I do". Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers…I uh…uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me. The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils. This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied. The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t". The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door." The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against. The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!" All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole. A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle. The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!! The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box! And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still. Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!" The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful." He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot. The wife: "What the he….hey….ooooo…mmm…oh…my…god…!!!!" She is shaking on the couch. The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!. She is too busy biting her lips to respond. Three hours pass. Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move. She panics. She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off! With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out. 12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently. Officer…oh…ahh…see…uh..my husband bought this….voodoo dick…for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh…….ahh…he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends…and I can't…get a hold..of him. The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face. He bursts out laughing. "Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – โmaybe this is it!โ She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: โHave you ever been fucked?โ Excitedly, the man responds โno!โ The woman replies โwell youโre fucked now, mate. The tideโs coming in.โ
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
Iโm not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If youโd like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open