Rollout of Donald’s new defense strategy
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
Two Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed atΒ the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.Β Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weaponΒ and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
Knock knock…
Whoβs there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, βYou dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!β She didnβt hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, βYou dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonaldβs. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, Iβve just told you, on the floor outside McDonaldβs.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, βNo, I donβt hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.β
Iβm not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If youβd like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, βDo you wanna break?β
I said, βWe just got here. How lazy are you?β
Four friends who hadnβt seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadnβt seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, βMy son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.β The second guy said, βDarn, Thatβs terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. Heβs so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.β The third man said, βWell, thatβs terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.β The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: βWhat are all the congratulations for?β One of the three said: βWe were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?β The fourth man replied: βMy son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.β The three friends said: βWhat a shame… what a disappointment.β The fourth man replied: βNo, Iβm not ashamed. Heβs my son and I love him. And he hasnβt done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansionβ¦a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!β
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
βYou know, one would have been enoughβ
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a Β£20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a Β£20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another Β£20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get Β£1980 in used Β£20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter