Rotate your screen 180 degrees to see what I’m talking about
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
The second one’s a repost.
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
You make the punchline apparent.
He didn’t habanero.
Because he can neverland.
And then it hit me!
I mined my own business.
Guess who came crawling back
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
Because I'm Canadian.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
Male Female IMAGINATION
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
The odds were against me
No text found
Me: sipping toast Why?
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
It runs in our jeans