Round up, I got a joke for you
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
What sound do ceiling fans make?
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
It sings and drives
John Travolvo
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
