RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
