## Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

## Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

## Just read a book about the history of glue

I couldn’t put it down

## A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”

## I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs … :/

## What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

## My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

## This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

## Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”

It was an unexpected Journey.

## As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.

It is because she has so many fans.

## Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper that way.

## Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?

The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.

## Why did 7 eat 9 ?

it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day

## Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do

Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross

## Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…

Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.

## Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

## I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

I'm going to quit cold turkey.

## Support feudalism!

It's your count who votes!

## What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?

He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

## A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…

His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

## Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

## I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

## A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down

A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."

## The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

## Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”

A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets

## We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn't autocorrect

## Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)

https://ift.tt/31oljPB

## My wife gets turned on by shopping

It seems she's buy-sexual

## Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?

Because they always Ghana order Togo.

## I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…

For my black Jeep.

## An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."

## Why do hippies drink herbal tea?

Because property is theft

## What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram.