Rudy’s Insurance Policy
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
Thor doesn’t get drunk…
He gets hammered.
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
