Rules Clarification
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
What do you name a smart pig?
Cunningham
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
So I walked into he doctor’s office
He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.” I said : “Capricorn” And he said : “Nah you got cancer”
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.