Russian election interference, Ukraine quid pro quo, COVID19. Another ‘deep state’ hoax they said.
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why don’t people joke about the Jonestown massacre?
The punchline is too long.
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he said, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10 inch cock!" She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?" "He's just a block over. But fair warning, he's also a little kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. If I meet someone like that, I send them his way, and then he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him. The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, bitter about her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly…skilled in certain areas?" He smirks. "What is your name?" Pouting slightly, she replies "Kris." His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops. "Well then…if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he takes her hand and locks the shop door. Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything. The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop. "I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!" He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him." "Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?" The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum." EDIT: Just to be clear, this is 100% OC. I wrote it several months ago and have posted it a few times since then. This is a slightly tweaked version from the last one. I deleted all but the most recent first posting.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."