Russia’s diplomatic response to criticism
She drinks straight from the bottle.
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny". The boy is super excited and rides it over to his girlfriends house to have dinner with her parents for the first time as a celebration for his birthday. Before they walk in the house, the girlfriend says to him, "Just so you know, my family plays this game where we don't speak during dinner, and if anyone speaks, they have to do the dishes." The boy thinks its a weird game but doesn't put too much thought into it. They walk in the house and as they go to the dining room he sees a massive pile of dirty dishes stacked up in the sink. It looked as if no one had done them in weeks! So they sit down with her parents, and the boy decides he wants to see how much he can mess with them. The boy stands up, walks up to his girlfriend, rips off her pants, and starts banging her in front of her parents. The mother and father both look shocked and the girlfriend looks furious, but no one says a word. So next the boy goes up to his girlfriend's mother, rips her clothes off, and starts banging her! At this point there are fumes coming out of the dad's ears and the girlfriend starts to throw up, but none of them say a word. The boy realizes that his plan didn't break any of them and starts walking back to his chair to eat. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that it is beginning to rain outside. So he stops walking to his chair, and pulls out the jar of vaseline from his jacket, and the dad jumps up from his seat and yells "FINE, ILL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Damn things bounce all over the place
It was a race to the Finnish.
When you replace the b with a d
You want a piece of me?
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
A plasma gun
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
Just for the Halibut
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to spend those 666 years. And so the Devil let the men to three doors. Going through the first door, they entered what looked to be a normal bar. Although, if you were there for more than an hour, you would notice that no matter how much you tried to drink another bottle would appear on the shelf. And even better, the bar always had the exact drink you wanted available. An unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage in existence. It was, in short, a drunkard's paradise. When they entered the second door, they were greeted by a myriad of women all ready to satisfy every sexual desire they could possible have. There were multiple women of every shape, size and ethnicity imaginable. Looking closer you would notice that there were even celebrity and work crushes from your life in the crowd. Every single one of them ready to please you. It was, in short, a pervert's paradise Finally, when they entered the third door, they found themselves in a forest made of cannabis. The ground was made of kief, all the bushes wore beatiful buds and even the trees were 20 feet tall cannabis plants. There were every strain it has or ever will be possible to grow. You could even find rocks of hashish laying around the forest floor if you looked closely. It was, in short, a stoner's paradise. The Devil asked the men which room they each wanted. The words had barely left the Devil's mouth before the first man ran directly to the room with a myriad of women. The second man then went to the room with the bar, thinking that if he was going to spend 666 years in hell, he might as well be drunk for most of it. Lastly, the third man, thinking he had won the lottery, gladly went towards the room with the forest of cannabis. 666 years later, the Devil returned to see if the men had atoned for their sins. When he opened the first door, bottles slowly rolled out and you could immediately smell piss and puke coming from the room. It took the Devil a while, but he finally found the man nestled between the bottles, smeared in his own shit and puke, and with arguably the worst hangover in history. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When he opened the second door, he was overwhelmed with the sound of hundreds of crying children and angry women. Not ten seconds after the door opened, the man came running, pleading for the Devil to please let him out. There were kids of every age running around screaming and all the women were angry at each other, while everyone, children and mothers alike, were angry at the man. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When the Devil opened the third door, he immediately saw the man sitting cross legged in a giant pool of his own tears. The Devil had not expected this. Confused, he went to ask the man what was wrong. The man, tears still running down his face, looked up at the Devil and said: "I don't have a lighter" Edit: a word Sneak note: ITT a lot of people who wants to ruin the joke 🙁
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
A manhole cover
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
I told him to quit while he was a head.
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A look over the shoulder.