*Sad bug noises*
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
Republican’s ultimate alpha-male. More paranoid than a Kardashian of ruining his makeup.
https://ift.tt/3b7zJsh
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.