Sad but true
What did the old tile roof say to the new tile roof?
Repairs will be futile.
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
Soviet Joke about Jews.
Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says: “Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” – "Chicken!" – "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: – "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" – "Son, how do you go to school every day?" – "By car dad!" – "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: – "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” – "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" – "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” – "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.