Sad but true
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
It was framed!
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Quacks in the pavement.
They buzz them in.
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
"Silence of the Lambs"
Because everything was at steak
Baaaaaack to the future
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
I'm all ears
How could anyone stoop so low?
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
Mexico and Canada.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
Because they have a supreme ruler.
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.