Sad oof
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
Donald Trump
[removed]
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
I have a scary math joke
But I’m 22 to say it 🙁
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
Asian girls don’t poop…
…they take dumplings.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.