I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
A GregOrIan calendar
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
So i packed up my things and right
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
That's the harvest part.
It's time to draw the line.
I take whisks in the kitchen
Look for fresh prints.
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
But it's up there.
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
it looks fishy
She still isn't talking to me
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
She was definitely checking me out.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!