Sad State of affairs
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
Would it then be called an Edison?
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
The pupils, they dilate.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
kinda like yo mamma.
Oh, high marks.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
One of them is an elephant.
She thinks I'm digging a pond
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
He said it was a little plane
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
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and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
And it’s fu*king discussing