Sad times
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.