Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
Did I tell you about the girl who only eats plants?
You've probably never heard of herbivore
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.