Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
REQUEST: Does anyone know any jokes about being 2nd in command?
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax
For Hispanic attacks
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that?’, he asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”
It’s where I flip your MOM over
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
FOR SALE, Broken Quiz Machine
No Questions asked
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.