Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the ark hives
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…