Sadly my mom sent me this
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
You boil the hell out of it
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
They run a shady buisness
It is not stroganoff.
They push twins together to make a king.
With just the tip.
Deep down they're really good people
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
1. 2. 3.
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
They’re, there, their.
I have no words to describe how angry I am
They always quack the case.
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
They called it a day
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
I’m not buying it.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
The only thing I like about gay s3x is that it doesn’t involve women😉
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”