Sadly..
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
One day a man goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does." The husband says "Who is his father?" The wife says "You are."
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Wife: Honey, do you ever pee in the shower?
Husband: Sometimes, but only by accident. Wife: What? How does it happen by accident? Husband: Well, sometimes when I'm pooping, I can't help it.
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.