Saggitarius A* is the blackhole at center of Milky Way
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
The gynecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
The secret service isn’t allowed to say “get down!” Anymore
Now they have to say, “Donald, duck!”
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me