Salute to his/her creativity 😂
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
I have a scary math joke
But I’m 22 to say it 🙁
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
NSFW. I had to see this on FB so now you do too….(The proper way to use a condom after 60)
https://ift.tt/2S3Yuzt
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
