Same as it ever was
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a Mathmachicken.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
I have a scary math joke
But I’m 22 to say it 🙁
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
