Same Bullshit
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear
is sphere itself
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.