Same, Same
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the ark hives
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
