A garbage truck.
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
I learned next to nothing.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
But he really saved the History channel.
I have a hunch it might be me.
i’ve never had beef with any of them
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
By using remorse code.
You can hide but you can’t run
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
My Korea is over
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
He lost track of thyme…
Ask your mother
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Totally nailed it.
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
When it becomes apparent
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
But they’ll get over it
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
It is because she has so many fans.
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)