Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
https://ift.tt/2Vi1kCo
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer.
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.