Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
https://ift.tt/2VlQcmK
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.