Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He’s put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.
The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon. "That sure is a nice fire truck you got there." "Thanks," the boy says. The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes, The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder." The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
What do you call an egg on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
What’s 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.