SAVAGE š
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, āWhat kind of car ya got there, sonny?ā The doctor replies, āA Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!ā āThatās a lot of money,ā says the old man. āWhy does it cost so much?ā āBecause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!ā states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, āMind if I take a look inside?ā āNo problem,ā replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, āThatās a pretty nice car, all right, but Iāll stick with my moped!ā Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror ā what it could beā¦and suddenlyā¦ WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! āWhat on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?ā the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that itās the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! Heās feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and thereās nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, āOh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?ā The old man whispers, āUnhook my suspenders from your side mirror.ā
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
Ā he found himself thinking she probably had aĀ really hotĀ daughter.Ā The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if heād ever had a Sportsmanās Double?Ā āWhatās that?ā, he asked.Ā āItās a mother and daughter threesome,ā she said.Ā As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, āNo, I havenāt.āĀ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ātonightās your lucky night.ā They went back to her place, they walked in.Ā She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: āMomā¦you still awake
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was āshe was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?ā The wife replied āperform the fucking autopsy!ā
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
My wife complains I donāt buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didnāt know she sold flowers.
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns donāt work. (I canāt imagine this isnāt a repost, so delete if need be)
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didnāt like their answer.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : Ā "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
