Now she’s a medium.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Because you're a fucking joke.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Because it's cheaper that way.
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
He lost the other in Nom.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
A pack of feral hogs
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
…is it still stationary?