SAVAGE AF đđđđđ
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: âIâm off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.â
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
Why doesnât Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iâm planning to give it a shot.
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
Asian girls donât poop…
…they take dumplings.
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
How much does it cost to ride Santaâs sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
When I tell women about my 12â donkey dick…
Theyâre like âooh I want to see itâ But when I take it out of the freezer, theyâre all âI have to be going.â
They say sex sells…
Probably because you canât spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
I just found out Iâm colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
German, Englishman, and Irishman
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
