SAVAGE AF 😂😂😂😂😂
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
How do you think the unthinkable
With an ithberg
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
So long boiling water, you will be mist
No text found
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
