SAVAGE
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
Remember, you’re somebody’s reason to smile.
Because you're a fucking joke.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!