SaveFood #agriculture #farmer #punnyAF #savefood #dankmemes
Noah was standing on the deck.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
… so they can beat the crowds!
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
If both were up, they'd fall down.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
They took him into custardy
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
He got a little behind in his work.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
I told her yousoearly
No text found
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
it was groundbreaking
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
Because freedom rings
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
Unfortunately, she blew it!
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
So he isn’t spotted
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
Because it's cheaper.
I named it The Trail Mix.