Saviour
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
When your project had 300+ bugs, but insted of correcting them you make 300+ workarounds
https://ift.tt/2Q7RSOP
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?