Saw a comment in a politics thread. Turned it into a shirt
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.