Saw an opportunity. Seized it.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
3 dogs walk into a bar ..
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!" The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?". The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?" "No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back …
… he made a bolt for the door.
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
My Patient just told me this joke and i can’t stop laughing
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.
I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
No text found
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.